If only she was here, I think to myself. Lately that line has been constantly intruding in my thoughts. The warm breeze on my cheek, the scent of rain in the air, the stream of stars overhead that caters to the whims of wishers and dreamers on the ground such as myself.

Near the corner sits a bar I’ve never been into, with wooden chairs standing sturdily beside even sturdier-looking tables. The place was dark and yet strangely comforting, music straining vaguely from overhead speakers. I sat down with a book in hand, realizing that for the first time in such a long time, I actually felt alone.

I should have known this would not last. We both loved to talk about fairy tales and happy-ever-afters, but deep down, she never believed in them. Hard to believe but I was the hopeless romantic in our relationship. I was the one who believed in forever. For her, forever was a figment of the imagination. For her, relationships were built to last only for the present.

My beer arrived, cold to the touch. It was easy and painful to actually imagine that she was sitting beside me, laughing at my jokes and allowing me to push her hair back away from her eyes. It was too easy to imagine that she was still physically present in my life, loving me in the only way that I loved to be loved. Familiarity does not bring comfort right now. Familiarity stings hard.

There were crazy nights when I would hold her tight with all my might, scared to let go because I never know what tomorrow brings, and I would ask her to run away with me. I kept praying for the time she would say yes, but a part of me knew she never would. She would press her lips against my ear, whispering that she loved me, and I believed her. I only wonder why she could not love me enough to stay.

Second bottle of beer. Another reason to miss her.

She said I would find love again. Normally I would agree, after all, I was the one who always strayed, the one who always found reasons to leave. I was a lush for everything good in life. I can just go back to being the same, driving myself hard at work to earn big bucks to feed my expensive lifestyle. When kissing did not make my heart skip a beat, and sex was casual at its best. Go back to turning my back on my partner at night, sneaking out before the sun rises.

She wants me to forget the kisses we have shared, the softest kisses I have ever felt in my entire life. She wants me to leave behind the countless bottles of cigarettes and San Miguel Light over philosophical conversations and uncensored stories of each other’s pasts. She wants me to move on, away from the memories of lying down beside her, her body pressed against mine, my arms around her as I watch her sleep.

Third bottle of beer. One question in my head. How?

Tears threaten to pop from behind my eyes and I take a deep breath, thankful for the breaths of fresh air that ease the hurt momentarily. My fingers drum aimlessly on the surface of the wooden table, scraping at the scratches that stain its surface. I knew I was happy that the table was disfigured, that it was not perfect. Still, I could not for the life of me, figure out why.

She was not perfect, that I knew. However, she was perfect for me. For I filled in her flaws really well, and she fit into my flaws as though she was molded for me. There were moments when I would hold her hand tightly; fingers twined together, her head fitting perfectly at the space on my shoulder.

Fourth bottle of beer. I pay my bill and lean back on my chair, taking my time in finishing the last one. Staring at the golden liquid in the clear bottle, I actually smile. My eyes look towards the smoke drifting lazily from a long-forgotten cigarette. The smoke dances upwards, as though begging to play. I know it will get easier. It is only a matter of time.

*created february 2002*

On this night, like so many other nights,
I am left alone with only my thoughts to keep me company.
I should be used to this by now,
after all, this night, like so many other nights,
have become a part of my life.
For no friends nor women can compare
with your beauty and grace.
No song can rival the sound of your laughter in my ears.
And I would choose to be alone,
to close my eyes and see you before me in my mind,
to remember how you felt last night
and to dream how you would feel tomorrow,
than be surrounded by a multitude of people.
For on this night, like so many other nights,
I am alone but then again, I am not alone.
I am with you.

If only I can bottle her scent and carry it with me all the time,
the world would be a better place.

*ever fallen for someone who was just too good for you? happened to me more than 2 years ago. this was written then.

never had much to offer to anyone
except a body beaten black and blue,
old before it has reached its time.
eyes which have seen too much,
ears that have fallen deaf with my own anguished cries,
and a heart that has been hardened to almost stone,
and yet threatens to tear open with every breath i take.
I am a far cry from what i used to be
but this is what i am now.
and to actually ask you to love me, and to be with me
at a time when i do not know myself anymore,
is something i could never do.
and even if my whole self trembles at your every touch.
and even if i feel that i can finally rest my burdened
soul if i rest with you by my side,
i will never even consider telling you the truth
that always threatens to falls from lips that i thought had gone
numb with lies.
so i will travel on in this hell called life.
for once again i find myself destiny's fool.

*the pains of unrequited love. another poem unearthed from the past*

Once again, I play the fool,
listening intently as you tell me your stories
about the one you love.
The world has come full circle once again,
both of us suffering from the pain
of unrequited love,
as we settle for crumbs of affection,
allowing us to disillusion ourselves into thinking
that every gesture could mean so much more.
It is almost amusing that she knows
nothing about your intentions,
The very same way you know nothing
about mine.
For the way you look upon her,
Is the very same way I look upon you.